Sequiturs

In the late 1800s, it was apparently a common practice in Finland to steal women from neighboring villages. That discomfiting historical tidbit aside, this looks like quite a bit of fun.

An informative commentary from the oxygen-breathing organ sacks over at The Onion.

Kansas City Star columnist Joe Posnanski says the Royals may be the front runner in trade talks with the Twins, who are shopping perennial Cy Young candidate Johan Santana.

I’ve reluctantly altered the settings on this blog to require commenter registration. Unfortunately, the link whores of the Internet’s baser side have effectively ruined anonymous commenting for everyone. I’m not a big fan of crackers in general, but I think folks who blatantly abuse blogs and others sites just to steal free advertising ought to be greeted with the DOS equivalent of a Molotov Cocktail.

This morning I received the following email from one Lewis Konte:

Subject: I love hearing from you.

Dear.

Please accept my apology if my mode of contacting you will in any way offend you. I am compelled to contact you via this medium for obvious reasons which you will understand when we discuss details of my proposition.

Through this letter I am seeking your urgent co-operation and an opportunity to invest and do business with you in your country or any other country you can manage in around the world as my partner. I have a sizable asset to invest and I would like to work with you in doing business.

Meanwhile,on indication of your willingness to handle this transaction sincerely by protecting our interests and upon your acceptance of this proposal,I would furnish you with the full detailed information, procedure,amount involve and mutually agree on your percentage interest or share holding for helping me to secure the release of the deposit and investing the money in your country under your proper management and care. I shall be glad to reserve this respect and opportunity for you,if you so desire,but do urge you to give the matter your immediate attention it deserves.

I am looking forward to your positive confirmation to enable us discuss details, which will include, my introduction, what will be in it for you,etc.

Sincerely,
Lewis Konte

Here’s a chance to score one for the good guys. The longer we keep this swindler occupied, the fewer old ladies he can rob. Besides, toying with his mind a bit might be fun! Here is my reply:

Dear Lewis,

Do you mind if I call you Lewis? I realize it may seem a bit informal, but I had a cat named Lewis when I was younger, and, well, after what happened with the pilot light and the propane-based flea medicine, it’s just nice to use that name again for someone I can trust. But if you would rather be known to me as Mr. Konte, I fully respect that. If a businessman can’t even choose his own name, what’s the point of spending all those years earning a reputation for honest dealings?

From your subject I see that you love hearing from me! That is very kind of you. Many people love hearing from me, but they are usually too shy to say so! However, I’m puzzled by the “re:” at the front of it. Normally that denotes replies in email, but as far as I know I have never contacted you before. Did I receive this email in error? I would like to cooperate earnestly in your profitable ventures, but if this email was meant for someone else, I understand. I can forward it to them if you like, just send me the email address. Perhaps “re:” means “respects”? Please let me know, I am very broad minded and love to hear about how people write subject lines in other cultures!

I hope you meant to contact me. We could invest and do business in my country, or in any of the many other countries I have worked in. I have conducted business in Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri and several other countries. I have no problems working in any of them, but if your business involves the sale of corn-cobb pipes and hashish, we should probably not choose Iowa, since the market for those products has already been flooded by Illegal Immigration. Minnesota is very nice, but I prefer not to go there in the winter since I am a bird enthusiast and there are no birds worth mentioning there until the summer. Do you enjoy watching birds? If you do, I have a very nice pair of extra binoculars that I could send to you as a token of our business friendship. Just send me an address where I can mail it to you, if you want it. Are you planning to start this investment soon, or will it wait until the summer? If it is in the summer, Minnesota would be a good choice, since I have family there. They call Minnesota “The Land of a Thousand Lakes,” but I think that is like calling Swiss cheese “The Cheese of a Thousand Holes.” How many holes there are really depends on how much Swiss cheese you have, doesn’t it? I haven’t been to most of Minnesota, just the part around Seattle, so from my point of view there are only at most a few dozen lakes. What do you think?

I am on a Fixed Income, so it would be nice to make some money soon. Please send me the Full Detailed Information you promised (if you meant to send this email to me). Also, can you please tell me something about yourself? It always fosters trust to do business with people you know. Likewise, if you have any questions about myself, I will be glad to answer them unless they are about my religion. I don’t think what kind of animals people sacrifice, or what kind of flea-medicine they use, is anyone else’s business. Besides, sometimes it can bring up traumatic memories of old friends. You seem like a Good Person, so I’m sure you understand.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Netanyahu III.

P.S. It would be Benjamin Netanyahu IV if you counted my grandfather, Jonas Salk II, but he had a different first AND last name, so that doesn’t count, right?

That should give him something to chew on, unless he’s not an idiot. Any thoughts on how to keep him running in hilarious circles for a week or two? I have a piece of junk direct mail here, and I’m thinking of giving him that 800-number when the time comes, along with my completely fictional extension. Maybe I’ll have him call under a funny assumed name of our choosing, purportedly to keep my other business associates from finding out about him. Beyond that, there’s really no plan yet.

I recently didn’t ask all the presidential candidates for one line campaign slogans. Here are some of the answers they didn’t send me.

• Barack Obama: “What the world needs now is a black Jimmy Carter.”
• Mike Huckabee: “I’ll tax and regulate Jihadis and abortionists to death, just like everyone else!”
• Rudy Giuliani: “One line slogans illustrate September-10th thinking. The lesson of 9/11 is that we need more sentences of both the grammatical and criminal kinds, more cross-dressing abortionists, and more dead terrorists, from the 9/11 of today to all the shining 9/11s of tomorrow.”
• John McCain: “You can’t have both a social conservative and a fiscal conservative, so why not have a patriot?”
• Mitt Romney: “You can’t have both a social conservative and a fiscal conservative, so why not have neither?”
• Fred Thompson: “Wake me up when you’re suitably sick and tired of the rest of these guys.”
• Ron Paul: “I’d mention something sinister about the neoconservative military-industrial complex, but the Constitution doesn’t authorize me to give you a quote.”
• Duncan Hunter: “Look at me! I’m running for President!!”
• Dennis Kucinich: “Look at me! Who am I?”

Think John Wayne or Chuck Norris are tough? Tremble before the might of a mother’s love for her child.

This article on some strange results from evolutionary biology is, at the least, interesting.